Today my baby turns one. I wrote him a letter, so we both could remember what a special time this first year of his life has been.
You are asleep on my chest. I run my fingers through your curls and listen to you breath. Your tiny hand holds me tight. I am in awe of you. My heart swells with love for you. That mischievous smile. Those curious eyes. Your laugh. I wish I could bottle up the joy I feel when I hear that playful giggle. My heart needed you. Our family needed you. This world needed you.
One year ago, I couldn’t begin to imagine what life would be like as a family of four. I didn’t know how hard it would be adjusting to our growing family and my ever expanding heart. I couldn’t comprehend loving another child as much as I loved your big brother, Tucker. I was afraid how he would react to you. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to give you both all of me. I was afraid of the unknown. But despite my fears, I knew in my heart you were someone special. I could feel your light radiating from within me. I could sense your sweetness. I could feel a calm within, even in the chaos of my ever wondering mind. We prayed for you. Waited for you. Dreamed about you.
You entered this world with such ease. I was shocked at how quickly you were born. You were ready. You are always ready. Fearless, full of life and wonder. You shine with a holy glow. I can feel God’s favor on you. The moment I laid eyes on you a new chamber of my heart burst open with love.
I am in awe of you. Your curiosity for the world around you. Your excitement to learn and grow – and mainly catchup with your brother. The gentleness of your heart, and the fearless drive you carry. You, my beautiful boy, are everything and more than what I could have ever dreamed.
I blinked and a year flew by. Your first smile, laugh, crawl, steps, and words, all feel so new and exciting but also so far away. But if I close my eyes, I can hear that first cry. I can see the sparkle in your blue eyes from when our eyes locked for the first time. My heart remembers the exact moment and feeling when it opened up completely to you. In my mind, I can stop time and visit every milestone. I can feel the pride and excitement in watching you grow and the subtle sadness of seeing my baby begin to transform into a little boy. I wish sometimes I could make time stand still so I could love on you without distraction. Soak you up completely.
So tonight, I won’t close my eyes just yet. I will try my best to hold onto this moment with my baby in my arms. I will listen to you breath, feel the weight of your body on my chest, hold on to your tiny hand, and pray you never let me go. I will lay here and do my best to soak you up. I will give you all my love and thank God for not stopping time and for letting me watch you grow. I will let my heart go back to those special moments you have given me, but I will pray for the ones that are yet to come.
Happy Birthday Baby boy. Mama loves you oh so very much.